A1C Anticipation

  How much progress can be made in a year? Do you measure  progress in terms of happiness, finances or health?  For those of us living with T1, health usually comes at the top of the list, although we would sometimes prefer it to be further down in our priorities.

Exactly a year ago today, I was hosting a speaking engagement with my endocrinologist. I addressed some of the emotional challenges of living with diabetes. My endocrinologist graciously spoke about the medical impact of living with diabetes.  It was a larger turnout than expected and a wonderful event overall.

One year later, I am sitting in my same endocrinologist’s office awaiting my quarterly appointment. I have worked with this doctor for almost a decade. I like her personality and I have never had a reason to complain. Today I sit frantic with anticipation. My BG (Blood Glucose) numbers have been high. Recently they have been too high. I have over corrected trying to get them lower and have gone too low too fast.

Is this horrible? No, it is life. Am I worried about it? Yes, because it is my life and I can’t seem to fine tune it like I have in the past. That is one of the tricky things about this disease. We get it right where we want it and then life happens. I have been on an emotional roller coaster this past year. My BG records are a good reflection of such. I have been busier than I can remember in the longest time. I have been traveling for
work, shuttling kids to soccer practice, writing, speaking and teaching. It doesn’t stop. Then the rest of my life needs attention. The laundry, the pets, the grocery shopping and being a mom are all things that need constant attention just to name a few.

What is the hang up with living with diabetes and the stress of these appointments? I keep wondering how bad my records will be as the nurse downloads my information from my pump. Why do I continually get nervous about what my doctor will say about how I am managing my own body? I think only a fool would try to manually mimic an internal body function and see it as a complete label of their self-worth.

It happens though, even to the best of us that know we are in tight control. I see nervous people all around me in this waiting room. There are nervous patients, parents and spouses.  As casual conversation overtakes the silence, I am reminded again of how we all need a diabetic coach. We need a coach to remind us that we are just human and we are trying to fight the good fight. We are not “bad” diabetics or “good” diabetics. We simply are people living with diabetes.

I smile after my appointment. I had a great visit with my endo and my A1C results were much lower than I expected. As I start to congratulate myself, I am reminded that I am not classified in the “good” diabetic column either. I just am me. Sometimes I need my own coach to remind me to will the anticipation away and remind me to live for this moment, good or bad.

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